


sleeping at last

by thegreatmoon



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Character Study, Comfort/Angst, Established Relationship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Light Angst, M/M, Mentioned Nakamoto Yuta, Mess, Moon Taeil is Whipped, Moon Taeil-centric, One Shot, Protective Lee Taeyong, Relationship Study, Short One Shot, Shy Moon Taeil, Sleep, Sleep Deprivation, Sleep study, Sleeping Together, Sleepovers, Sleeptalking, Tags Contain Spoilers, Watching Someone Sleep, guess thats it, happy bday sarah, ilysarah, insecure moon taeil, sad moon taeil, that wasnt it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-10-26 19:10:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17751785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatmoon/pseuds/thegreatmoon
Summary: "taeyong wasn’t most people. however, that specific night, he was turning out to be. that was driving taeil out of his senses. he never had any complications with sleeping with his boyfriend after all the process they went through together when they first started dating. yet there he laid, staring at the ceiling and getting himself more awake by the second, as his thoughts were at the speed of hurricane winds.";taeil has his first sleepless night next to his boyfriend taeyong and starts reconsidering their relationship





	sleeping at last

**Author's Note:**

  * For [quixoticyongie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/quixoticyongie/gifts).



> this one shot is a bday gift to my friend, sarah! you shoudn't be surprised at this point right?? probably spoiling you too much, you have one text au and two one shots written specifically to you hahah ily, happy 22nd bday, hope i'm here for the next ones to come!
> 
> THANK YOU NICKIE FOR BEING MY BETA YOURE THE BEST! SERIOUSLY WHAT A WOMAN
> 
> this au has a playlist! [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/21eklzjpmpl6wr2xyoga7jubq/playlist/4wrFnM8V4k70zbWXYi3QI8?si=RtKKo6JeTL2COBWSgYrAyA) it's pretty soft! hope you like it!
> 
> hope you enjoy this au! it surely took my sleep away
> 
> xx  
> sol

Listening to the rapid ticking of the clock, Taeil analyzed his partner’s face, from his dark hair to his pointy chin. Sleeping next to someone was more than warmth or cuddles. It was hearing the other person’s snore if they slept before you, a constant fight for blankets if both felt cold and trying to move while not waking the other up. Much selflessness and concentration was needed, as much as connection to the person, for Taeil to ever be able to sleep comfortably next to someone. He would spend the night half awake if he wasn’t comfortable. He already had. Many times. And it wasn’t the case of it being the place or bed he wasn’t used to. Taeil would sleep on the cold hard ground if he had to, but he would not share space with another living being if he didn’t trust that person completely. It wasn’t even a matter of having sex or not. The act of sleeping in itself was extremely personal to him. Taeil liked not just wrapping himself around a blanket, but treating it as a plushie, literally hugging it against his chest. He also snored lightly and sometimes woke up to a pool of his own drool on the pillow. He wasn’t ashamed of any of it. Those were his sleeping habits and they made him sleep extremely well, as he had very deep sleep and almost never dreamed- dreaming frequently only once a month or less. However, for some unknown reason, he just couldn’t make himself sleep next to most people.

It didn’t matter if they were strangers or not. He had problems falling asleep next to close friends, almost intimate, always finding an excuse to sleep at home, the couch or even on the floor if that was the case. His friends always took him for the biggest gentleman and Taeil didn’t put any effort in trying to deny it. If he ever confessed the truth, he was sure he would be made even more fun than any of his sleeping habits (including the one in which he had to sing himself a soft lullaby before getting ready to sleep through the night.) So, he went along with it. If it wasn’t avoidable, as his friends (specially Yuta) insisted he would sleep on a proper bed with someone or they’d be up all night waiting for Taeil to give in, he would spend a night half-awake-half asleep, counting the minutes for it to end.

For some reason, when sleeping next to someone, Taeil found himself awfully aware of his own presence, his moves, his breathing pattern. He also noticed the other person’s everything, from body position, to closeness, to how they treated the shared blanket, and the list went on. All this overthinking made it impossible for him to even consider meeting with Morpheus, and he instead stayed in the realm of the half dead for the rest of the night and following day, not fully awake, but not sleeping either. There were times he could even sleep, but every small thing would startle him and get him fully awake again. He truly didn’t know but for some reason, it was impossible to sleep next to most people and all he did was count sheep, maybe try writing some music or read a book in the meantime. He had given up considering sleeping next to most people a long time ago.

That wasn’t, however, the biggest of his problems. He rarely ever had to sleep out of his house and, when he did, made sure to sleep on a separate bed or the couch most of the times. It worked fairly well and the handful of times it didn’t, never actually affected Taeil’s routine. Therefore, it wasn’t an issue. He never mentioned this quirky behavior to anyone in any casual conversation or, even for the brief time he had a psychoanalyst, thought of putting it to analysis.  
Another thing worth mentioning, Taeil rarely had any sexual or romantic partners. When he did have sexual encounters, it would always be at their houses and he would leave right after cuddles or very early in the morning, so he’d catch some sleep by himself before work or any important schedule. His past romantic partners never went further than sex. He had never slept next to them just for the sake of sleeping. He was completely safe. His habit well-hidden even from himself. Out of sight, out of mind.

This applies for most people. Taeyong wasn’t most people. However, that specific night, he was turning out to be. That was driving Taeil out of his senses. He never had any complications with sleeping with his boyfriend after all the process they went through together when they first started dating. Yet there he laid, staring at the ceiling and getting himself more awake by the second, as his thoughts were moving at the speed of hurricane winds.

There must be something wrong. Something was out of place. Taeil should be cuddling right against Taeyong’s body, feeling his warmth and slow paced breathe, sharing a blanket together with no major fights for its possession and getting more at peace than when he was on his own. He should be waiting for Taeyong to wake him up with a sweet smile, while caressing his face. That doomed night however, made Taeil feel like Taeyong’s arms were trapping him. His breathing pattern was utterly annoying. His body too warm for Taeil to need a blanket. All he ever wanted was to get out of there, but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t dare wake Taeyong up. Sleeping together was a selfless act of caring for the other’s sleep, Taeil thought. However, he had never wanted to be selfish as much as he wanted to be that night.

Would that be the last night that happened? He couldn’t be sure, and the thought made Taeil’s throat itchy. Would he be brave enough to tell this to Taeyong or would he suffer on his own? How long would he keep half sleeping until he confessed it all to his boyfriend? How much would that affect their relationship? Those were thoughts that came to Taeil’s mind and he couldn’t answer any of them.

It used to be so easy with Yong… The boy was adorable, Taeil knew that the from minute he set his eyes on him. Cute big doe eyes, long messy hair and an easy smile, that was the charming trio that stole Taeil’s heart at first sight. Taeyong was also very small, what was a bonus. Taeil, however, never considered he would look at him. Small people liked big people, so they’d be taken care of and Taeil was also small in both senses of the world. He wasn’t outrightly adorable as Taeyong was, too shy for that, but he liked being the small spoon and being the one looked over in a relationship. As he got to know Taeyong more (all in friendly terms, as he was entering Taeil’s circle of friends through Johnny), he noticed that, even though the doe eyed man liked being protected, he very much liked taking care of people more. Taeil, specifically. He would protect Taeil of his friends in lighthearted debates, taking his side biasedly. Everyone mocked him, said he had to stop being so obvious, to which both constantly blushed but didn’t dare saying anything. Yong simply replied Taeil’s friends were too mean to him and he needed someone to be by his side and listen to him. In private, however, they both had intense arguments over any subject possible. He was never tired of teasing Taeil over any comment, habit or opinion the red haired had and Taeil tried his best to put his defenses up, attack Taeyong back and maintain his honor, but it was a lost cause. He was long gone, trapped by Taeyong’s charms, his prisoner for him to do whatever he wanted. He couldn’t say which trait of his personality made his heart beat so fast, was it the constant teasing, the heartwarming care he had with Taeil or how he showed his true colors when they were alone and not having any debates. It didn’t matter, Taeil was in love with Taeyong as a whole, every aspect of his personality amazed him.

Yong took his time. Taeil would have appreciated the thrill, wasn’t he so insecure and nervous around him all the time. Those were some tough moments. Taeyong would bring light into his life, but the uncertainty if he truly liked him back romantically tore Taeil apart. Taeil used to call Yuta crying and telling him that was it. He couldn’t bare it no longer: he would not spend more time with him, it just got his hopes up for nothing and he would suffer much less if he would just cut Taeyong out of his life completely, at least for a while. Many were the times he threatened to do so, but he just did it one time. Taeil cannot remember for the life of him what triggered him to, but he slowly pushed Taeyong out of his life for a complete month. Yuta practically lived with him at that time, giving Taeil all the strength he needed. They say you never know what you have till you lose it, but Taeil found out that you never truly know what you have till you purposely give up on it.

He was going to build himself up. He always did. He couldn’t see it at that moment, but there was a future without Taeyong and that was his future. He tried convincing himself of that. He was proven wrong, however. Taeyong showed up at his door, he was of the view that Taeil’s only possible future was with him. Taeil was happy he did so, even if he took so long. There was much happy crying that moment. Their first kiss was sweet, but also salty, due to the tears. Taeil didn’t mind, he had Taeyong’s warm arms embracing and protecting him.

That continued for the five years they were together. Happiness was the best word to describe their relationship. No… home. Home was the best word to describe what they had. It was a warm and perseverant sort of happiness that wasn’t always apparent but was there in all times. That’s why it was so easy for Taeil to fall asleep in Taeyong’s arms, using his breathing as a lullaby, his arms as a second blanket and his voice as a wakeup call. Taeil would relax to the point he couldn’t tell where he began and Taeyong ended.

To reach that, many conversations were needed. Taeyong was the first one to know about Taeil’s strange habit. Not that Taeil was very willing to tell, but he had to when he saw how Yong was hurt with his constant refusal for sleepovers. His boyfriend didn’t judge him. He sat down, listened, made a few questions. In the end, he took out a mattress and put it next to his bed. “If you can’t sleep, you can move here. We can try doing this slowly.” Taeil hated he cried so easily, but those meaningful acts just made him tear up.

Just like that, slowly, Taeil and Taeyong started sharing a bed. Mostly on weekends, so if Taeil couldn’t sleep even when tired, it wouldn’t affect his work. Taeil wouldn’t know if he was sleeping better next to him due to him and Taeyong getting intimate or maybe he was just getting used to Yong’s presence in bed, but it happened. He slept whole nights next to Yong before he even noticed how eventful that was. It was natural. All that thanks to his amazingly caring boyfriend.

The next step was of Taeil’s initiative. He noticed how Yong liked hugging or having any physical touch with Taeil. Many were the times his boyfriend would fall asleep as they were watching movies together, and he’d have Taeil wrapped around his arms. Taeil asked him how did Taeyong usually sleep when he wasn’t there, and he confessed that he would hold a big plushie ever since he was a child. Taeil giggled, enchanted by his partner’s childlike habit. He suggested Yong could try hugging him instead. The answer was a stern no. Taeil was baffled. He just wanted to do something nice for his boyfriend and was completely ignored. Not giving up so easily, he asked his boyfriend why. At first, Yong wouldn’t say, just answered that Taeil shouldn’t bother, Taeyong slept just fine. In the end, after much insistence, Taeyong simply mumbled he didn’t want Taeil to feel obligated to do that and he was afraid if Taeil couldn’t sleep in his arms, he’d end up annoyed and just leaving him. How silly and sweet Taeyong was. Taeil assured him that he wanted to try adapting to Yong’s habits as well and, if he couldn’t adapt to sleeping so close to him, he’d tell him the truth. Taeyong decided to give him some chances. Taeil couldn’t sleep that first night, but he was happy and safe, wrapped around his arms. Slowly, he started adapting to his arms and, when they had to sleep apart, he missed his boyfriend’s touch dearly. They moved together shortly after and he was thrilled for the happy nights that were to come.

Cut to that dreadful night. Taeil staring at the ceiling no longer, but at the window behind his lover. Another thing about sleeping together, the lighting was always an issue. Taeil liked to sleep in the pitch dark, any light would distract him. Taeyong initially suggested a small lamp. Taeil had agreed but the next morning his boyfriend had a feeling Taeil had trouble sleeping, as he wouldn’t stop fidgeting. They settled for opening the curtains then. The city was illuminated enough to bring Taeyong peace and Taeil wasn’t bothered by it. At that moment, he was very thankful for being able to see the soft rain and moving cars from up above. Maybe they’d give Taeil what he needed to find his sleep. He knew that wasn’t the case. Something was off. It wasn’t making sense.

Maybe… things with Taeyong weren’t that perfect after all. Not at that moment at least. Yong would say it was fine, but Taeil knew it just wasn’t and he couldn’t simply sleep and expect things to be fine when it was all lies. Maybe he needed to be selfish and wake his boyfriend up, tell him he couldn’t share a bed with him when things remained unresolved, make him talk. Or maybe he should just leave. Not only the bed, but Taeyong too. It would solve all their problems and Taeil would finally be able to rest.

Not being able to sleep was one of the most nerve wrecking experiences Taeil had gone through. He couldn’t do anything else, besides waiting for himself to fall asleep. However, as this wouldn’t happen, he became more anxious. Small nervous tears fell on the corner or his eyes. He had to do something.

Waking Yong up would be no good. He usually woke up in quite a bad mood and half asleep still. Taeil had seen his boyfriend fall off the bed, stumble his way to the bathroom and, one time, even hit his head against the bathroom door. So adorably clumsy. But he dared not laugh or even giggle seeing those events, as Yong would probably tell him to shut up in his very ungallant morning mood. That’s why Taeil appreciated Yong woke up before him. His boyfriend would take his time getting awake and when Taeil was out of the bed, he was greeted by the sweetest smile. Taeil generally woke up in a nice sleepy mood. Yong would often say he looked like a lost child or tired puppy after opening his eyes. Taeil always blushed when hearing that.

Sleeping together was, therefore, much more than actual sleeping. It was staying, sharing that moment and waking up together. As a person who was discouraged and startled very easily, it was too much for Taeil. The first morning he had woken before Yong and he didn’t know about his boyfriend’s mood, he was on the verge of tears after Taeyong’s rude reply to some harmless joke Taeil said. Taeyong noticed and was quick to reassure Taeil it was not him, he just woke up moody, that’s all. Taeil then learned it was better to leave his boyfriend to wake him in the mornings.

There was only one option left, as Yong surely wouldn’t be in the mood for discussing their relationship at that time of the night. Especially considering he had such an important meeting the next day. He had to leave that bed. Perhaps not just the bed.

Taeil wasn’t one for making dramatic decisions in the moment. He had thought of that a lot before, especially in the last few months. Taeyong wouldn’t listen to him. His boyfriend would never listen to him and he would always convince Taeil to stay. If it was for him to go away, he couldn’t tell Taeyong a thing. He felt like that was the utmost betrayal. Their relationship was built based on communication and truthfulness, to destroy it with lies and notes written in the middle of the night was to destroy everything they had built together. Maybe after that Taeil would never be able to sleep next to someone again.

He couldn’t convince himself on staying though. He was holding Taeyong back. How could he sleep knowing he was ruining his lover’s future? Better yet, how could he sleep next to him and know this? It wasn’t Taeyong that was keeping Taeil up that dreadful night, it was guilt, coming from inside his stomach, wrapping around his throat and keeping him awake so he’d know exactly how selfish he was. He could not wake his boyfriend up in that sleepless night, but he wasn’t doing much better, holding him to that bed, that home, when Taeyong deserved the whole world and he could have all that if he forgot Taeil for a few seconds and gave it a shot. He would amaze the world with his art and Taeil would be so fulfilled knowing he was out there, living his dream, touching people’s hearts. He would be desolated at first, but deep inside he knew that was the best for him to do. He also had his own selfish reason for wanting Taeyong to go live his dream, he couldn’t bare the thought of his boyfriend resenting him. Besides, out there was so much better than all Taeil had to offer.

He tried telling Yong that so many times, but was always brushed aside, just like when Taeil suggested him to spoon him while sleeping. His boyfriend wouldn’t listen, but never addressed the issue either, leaving Taeil more each day. Earlier that night, he tried confronting him. Surely Taeyong wouldn’t run from his questions on the night of their anniversary. Unfortunately, it was exactly what he did. Soon, the issue was forgotten with kisses, a delicious meal, heartwarming gifts and letters to each other. Taeil felt at home with Taeyong, surely everything was fine.

That was proven wrong the minute he wouldn’t stop fidgeting on the bed and couldn’t make his thoughts trail away to one of his books’ fantasy worlds. His thoughts were extremely grounded and were about one specific topic: Taeyong. Not only in a physical level, in which he was very aware of his presence on the bed, but also regarding emotions.

He was keeping Taeyong from reaching his full potential, he was slowing down the person he loved the most. He couldn’t share a bed when he was a traitor. He couldn’t have the comfort of Taeyong’s arms if that meant he wasn’t achieving his dream. He didn’t deserve it, he wasn’t worthy of Taeyong. Maybe, all this time, it’d have been best for Taeil to build a future without Taeyong, he wouldn’t go through all this suffering and both would be able to go for their dreams. Maybe everything he did now was wrong because the right path was long gone for him to take. Maybe many things, but there was one thing he couldn’t do at that moment and that was to stay in bed with Taeyong when he felt his throat slowly closing and his body on fire.

He tried leaving, but Taeyong had strong arms that kept him in bed. That only made Taeil more anxious, as he was starting to feel caged. He tried again, but it didn’t work. He started getting angry with Yong for holding him so tight and tried pushing his arm away. “Taeyong, let me go.” He exclaimed, starting to get angry at his sleeping boyfriend’s inconscient insistence to keep him in bed.

With so much shaking, Taeyong woke up disoriented to find his boyfriend having a fight with his left arm. “What?”

“Let me go, I want to go.” Taeil was desperate, trying to work on the arm the best he could, until Taeyong loosened his grip. Taeil’s breathe started to slow down as he sat up on the bed. He hadn’t even noticed he was hyperventilating before, but probably due to the lack of air his throat allowed to his lungs, he must have started breathing rapidly.

“What is happening?” Taeyong sat up next to Taeil, turning on a small lamp on his nightstand. He looked confused and slightly annoyed, as his just-woken self usually was, but he saw tears running down Taeil’s cheeks and instantly had a change of behavior, getting closer to wipe the tears with his fingers. “Oh, baby, what is it?”

“I can’t sleep.” Taeil mumbled with what he had left of his voice. He hated when he got extremely anxious, he wasn’t even able to express what he was anxious about. He just wanted to sleep, but at the same time he wanted so much more than that. He tried not looking Taeyong in the eyes. Those doe eyes always had the best on him.

“It’s okay” Taeyong murmured, trying to reassure his boyfriend and slowly caressing his skin and hair. Usually his boyfriend’s touch would make him better, Taeyong was his home, after all. His hands usually traced beautiful patterns on his skin very softly, giving Taeil the good kind of shivers, but on that night it only brought him cold chills and the thought that he didn’t deserve any of it.

“No, it’s not.” He murmured against the blanket. Taeil was treating the blanket as more than his plushie. It had become his anchor, if he let go, he would be without any protection. Against what, he couldn’t possibly say. Himself, Taeyong, the future, all very scary things at that time of the night. That time of the night was when dreams turned into nightmares.

Taeil was trying his hardest not to flinch with Yong’s touch, but he finally couldn’t hold himself and backed away from his boyfriend’s hands. Taeyong was clearly hurt and confused by the look of his frown, and Taeil felt the lump in his throat growing bigger. He only ever brought Taeyong heartbreak, no matter what he did. Nonetheless, his partner remained the best, caringly trying to reassure him. “It’s one night, Taeilie.”

“What if it isn’t?” Taeyong shouldn't be up. He should rest. He had a big day tomorrow. Trying to reassure Taeil at that moment was useless. Taeil should have been more careful trying to get out of his arms, but that night he was only making awful decisions: not sleeping, waking his boyfriend up, flinching from his touch.

“We will see when it’s not. Do you want me to bring you the mattress?”

“I don’t think the mattress will help…” Taeil shook his head, staring at the wall in front of him.  
Taeyong sighed. He looked worried and even made a move to get closer to Taeil but reconsidered it. He understood Taeil’s need for physical space at that moment. “It’s that bad, huh…”

Taeil looked around the room, letting it all slowly sink in. His eyes went from their closet’s closed door, as Taeyong had the adorable childish fear of sleeping with one of them open, to the cup of water next to the bed stand Taeyong made sure to always have nearby, even if he almost never drank water during the night. He slowly looked over the thousands of plushies on the floor, gifts for each other while they were dating and reason why making the bed always took such a long time. There was so much of that bedroom that just screamed their story together. The curtains they had picked for the room not to be too illuminated nor too dark, the one single pillow they had, as Taeyong hated sleeping with pillows, the books on Taeil’s nightstand, a mix of his and Yong’s books, as Yong always asked for him to keep the books on his side so they wouldn’t get wet. Taeil’s eyes traveled from their book shelve to their ‘memories from travels’ shelf, where they kept small objects they bought while going away to foreign land. There were Taeyong’s small collection of china dolls, Taeil’s Mona Lisa puzzle from the Louvre and a beautiful box from northern Brazil. All things from happy days, happy travels… What hurt Taeil the most was when his eyes finally stopped at the shelf of their pictures together. There were pictures from so many years back. The first photo was one of them when they weren’t even dating, and Yuta and their other friends were there too. The frame (along with the picture inside it) was given by Yuta when the couple completed their one-year anniversary together. It was sweet to see them so young and naïve, even if Taeil knew that behind those smiles he suffered from one sided affection. The other pictures varied in time. There was an adorable photo of young Taeyong running on a green field, a very cringy picture of young Taeil and Yuta in high school and so many more. The last addition to that picture shelf had been one in which a teary eyed Taeil was kissing a happy Taeyong after he had proposed. Yuta had taken the picture himself and given to them later the same day. It looked like so long ago, almost as if it had happened in another reality, Taeil still couldn’t get used to calling Taeyong his fiancé. Staring at that specific photo, Taeil felt lost. What were the two thinking? 

“I need to leave.” He announced, after his brief moment of catharsis. Taeyong had been very respectful of that moment, he knew filling Taeil with questions would only scare him away.

“Please don’t.” He begged, holding Taeil’s hand on a reflex. He then remembered he shouldn’t do that at that moment and instantly lost his grip on his fiancé’s hand.

“I’m holding you down, Yong, please don’t waste your life on me.” Taeil begged back, his voice cracking. There they were, two desperate men begging for two very different things, both lost. Listening to what Taeil had just said though, shone a light into Taeyong’s brain. He finally understood the problem and it was much more than wanting to sleep in another house, it had been from the start and that was why he felt Taeil was so distant from him, avoiding his touch and gaze.

“I want to marry you, Moon Taeil, how could I waste my life on you if you are my life.” Taeyong said, making Taeil finally take his eyes away from his blanket and look at his boyfriend. He was still afraid, careful eyes analyzing Taeyong’s sincerity. He knew Taeil wouldn’t say a thing, so he chose to continue. “That’s a cheesy thing to say, but it’s the truth. You’re the most important and best thing in my life ever since I met you and I’ve told you that so many times, even if you don’t believe me.” Taeyong confessed and, seeing Taeil’s gaze as encouragement, lightly caressed the back of Taeil’s hand. Taeil remained mute. Taeyong had to try harder. He sighed and ran his hand through his own hair, taking his eyes from Taeil to say the hardest thought to verbalize. “But maybe you’re right. Maybe you should leave. I don’t want you to feel like I’m keeping you from making your own decision. Just know that every relationship has their sleepless nights. I’ve had a few of them. I know that, for you, this has a completely different meaning, I just hope you don’t panic and destroy what we have over it. If I could give you an advice, it would be for you to stay. Tomorrow we can talk all about this, I promise you. But, honestly, if you still choose to go, it’s okay.”

He couldn’t possibly say anymore without his voice cracking. He didn’t want to cry in front of Taeil then. He didn’t usually cry as much as his boyfriend, but Taeil leaving him was one of his biggest fears. He had to remain strong, he had to allow his partner to take whatever decision he found best for their relationship. He didn’t want Taeil to feel caged. But at the same time, he didn’t want to let him go. Taeyong wanted to smooch Taeil and hold him against his heart, smelling his hair as they fell asleep together. He wanted to wake up next to him, slowly take his arm from him so he wouldn’t get up as well, go to the kitchen and boil water for his boyfriend’s tea (as he hated coffee with a passion and couldn’t eat a thing in the mornings). He wanted to wake him and talk things through before work and, when Taeil finally had to leave, it wouldn’t be running away from what they had or could have in the future, but because he had to go to work. Of course, Taeyong understood the importance of taking time from one another and thinking things over, but leaving in the middle of the night, with such an emergency, left him with the feeling it was so urgent for Taeil to escape because a decision was already taken, no matter what he tried doing. Taeyong was starting to think if he could make Taeil stay over that night, just that one night, he might stay forever.

He made a bold move of looking over Taeil and grabbing his hand tightly. His boyfriend had sparkly tears in his eyes that could shine even in a night dark as that. “How do you always know what to say?” Taeil managed to whisper, voice still fragile. Somehow, Taeyong’s acceptance of whatever Taeil did, his promise to talk things over in the morning and his reassurance to what he meant in his boyfriend’s life did the trick. He was still unsure of what their future together would be, he wasn’t sure what he would do the next morning after their talk, but he knew Taeyong’s touch didn’t burn him anymore and the bed no longer felt like a prison. He should trust Yong, he couldn’t leave him in the middle of the night like he was some random one-night stand. He was his long-time boyfriend. More than a boyfriend, his fiancé. More than any of that, he was his best friend, his lover, his home.

Taeyong chuckled lightly and placed his head on the crook of his boyfriend’s neck. “I have to, I can’t let you go easily.” He murmured against Taeil’s warm skin, placing a small kiss after. He was much relieved he could convince him on staying for a few more hours. He was set on convincing him on staying for life the next morning.

“I just want the best for you…” Taeil said, running his hands through Taeyong’s soft hair. He knew that he was so silly for always being convinced by Yong’s sweet words but perhaps his fiancé just spoke the truth and he didn’t want to listen.

“But you have to believe I know what’s the best for me too. And the best for me right now is sleeping before we have that important conversation tomorrow.” Yong turned off the lamp on his nightstand and pulled the blankets over the both of them, He comfortably hugged his boyfriend against his chest and smelled his sweet hair. He had a soft victory smile on his lips and hummed a lullaby while getting all set.  
Taeil had a more serious expression. He still felt very warm being embraced by Yong like this and seeing his boyfriend happy never failed to make him happier as well. He approached Yong’s chest, listening to his beating heart.

“For more sleepless nights then.” He whispered against his old t-shirt. He didn’t expect his boyfriend to listen. Taeyong could sleep easily after waking up. Sometimes, he wouldn’t even remember that he woke up in the middle of the night and spoke to Taeil, sleeping the second after. Taeil often laughed at his boyfriend’s lack of memory after waking up.

This time, however, Taeyong was still wide awake to answer: “For thousands more sleepless nights. Together.” 

His lip’s corners lifted, and he nuzzled against his fiancé’s shirt, feeling his nice smell. Taeil still couldn’t sleep. He was anxious about what was to come, if they could withstand everything and not holding grudges against each other. A lot of thoughts ran through his mind as he adjusted his pillow, trying not to wake Taeyong up. Maybe he would wake up even more scared than before and Taeil didn’t want that. He didn’t want anything to ever hurt his boyfriend, especially himself and his stupid insecurities.

One thing that didn’t bother him anymore, however, was sharing that bed with Yong. His arms were just the right grip, his temperature the perfect environment, the blankets were ever fluffier and counting his heartbeat was a thousand times better than counting sheep. Taeil was looking at the night in the city and slowly saw the sun rising through avenues and tall skyscrapers. Sunrises were often described as beautiful. They were literally the light after darkness after all.

However, seeing them in a night of insomnia was terrifying and agonizing, as it showed that not only had you spent the night awake, but that would continue into the morning. That sunrise, on the other hand, truly signified light after darkness for Taeil in that sleepless night. It meant another day was to start and that Taeil had gone through the night and stayed the night by his loved one. He would never forgive himself if he ever left Taeyong due to his own insecurities, without even telling him first.

Taeil analyzed the lighting as it hit Taeyong’s face beautifully and a few minutes after that, fell soundly asleep due to pure exhaustion. He knew he could have stayed up if so, his insomnia made him, but fortunately, his heart felt at peace watching the sun’s luminosity and at that time, he found the lighting rather scared the darkness away. not only from his bedroom, but also his heart.

If so fate wanted and Taeil remained slightly anxious and unsure, as any normal person is from time to time, he would still have stayed in Taeyong’s arms, sleepless, but at home, as he would for many more nights to come in their future together.

**Author's Note:**

> i write nct social media aus and taeil centric fics 
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/sunskihyun)
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> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/moonstaeiI)
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> [carrd](https://gardenofwords.carrd.co/)
> 
>    
> xx  
> sol


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